Spartan Daily

LGBT relationships

Like many students, Nathan Villanueva experienced his first crush in elementary school.

In his kindergarten class, one student would be selected as the “student of the day," he said and the lucky child would get to pick a treat out of a special bag.

When it was his day, Villanueva said he plunged his hand into the bag and pulled out a little iridescent moon.

He said he walked over and handed it to another classmate who he thought was cute.

“His name was Tyler,” Villanueva said.

Villanueva said he spent his childhood exploring his sexuality, searching for something that felt right.

“I liked girls, and then one day I liked this one girl and I liked her boyfriend,” he said. “When people would force me to talk to girls it was awkward, but with boys it wasn’t.”

Dating in the lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender, or LGBT community has its challenges, Villanueva said.

“Everyone expects everyone else to be rampant, promiscuous beings,” he said. “I just want to hang out and eat pizza and play video games.”

Villanueva said he thinks the media’s portrayal of homosexual men as flamboyant is a contributing factor to the stereotypes associated with gay men, and the lack of sexual education for those who associate as LGBT makes jumping into sex and relationships complicated. 

“People don’t know what the hell they’re doing,” he said. “They don’t teach you that in school. That promiscuity is just trial and error.”

According to Bonnie Sugiyama, assistant director of the LGBT Resource Center and Women's Resource Center at SJSU, with populations that are traditionally underrepresented like the LGBT community — which is called the queer community at SJSU because the term encompasses all lesbian, gay, bisexual, intersex, queer, questioning and ally individuals — it’s often harder to connect with others who are in similar situations.

"A lot of people don’t recognize how everything in our culture is hetero-based," she said. "For example, it’s rare to find a song that’s gender neutral."

Sugiyama said the topic of dating is often what dominates social situations, and if there’s not a lot of openness, it can be difficult for queer students to feel accepted.

Senior psychology major Nick Inguillo said he also liked girls when he was younger.

Once he was exposed to the idea of what it was to be gay, he said he knew it described him, but growing up different from those around him — one of only three gay students at his high school in Salinas — was challenging because he didn’t have a role model.

“It’s really trial and error,” he said. “I try to go by my morals and do the same things straight people do. I go by the movies.”

Inguillo said when he came out to his mother he thought she would be OK, having assured him growing up that she would love him no matter what his sexual orientation, but when he finally told her, the situation turned into a negative experience.

“Her whole thing was, ‘I didn’t bring you into this world to get AIDS,’” he said. “I was grounded for the whole year. She thought any guy friend I had was gay, which wasn’t true.”

Inguillo said as a result he never dated casually in high school, but instead began dating online.

“I’m very introverted and shy and I get so nervous,” he said. “When I start liking a guy I start wondering if they’re gay. I think it’s that fear of rejection and then things being awkward.”

Sugiyama said the LGBT Resource Center tries to build leadership within the queer community and foster identity-specific clubs, clubs for queer students who also associate with another identity like race, to help more groups of students find a niche in the university community.

In addition to having five queer student organizations, the center also hosts group discussions.

Sophomore communications student Amarissa Matthews participates in the Peers in Pride peer mentor program, in which a mentor will support a small group of LGBT students through one-on-one meetings and by leading them in group activities.

“There’s professional help. There’s friend help,” she said. “When it comes to help it’s pretty similar to the heterosexual community.”

For Peers in Pride mentor Mackenzie Lorenzato, the most important thing to have when dealing with sex and relationships is a close group for friends to talk to.

“You’re not going to come talk to a stranger,” she said. “You’re going to talk to your friends, so make sure they know what they’re talking about.”

Lorenzato said she’s found more openness at SJSU in the queer community than in the straight community, calling this campus'queer community sex positive, which is a perspective on sexuality that doesn't associate shame with sex. Sex positive communities help promote healthy sexual and romantic relationships, she said. 

“I think it’s because we have to talk about sex just to come out,” she said.

Ultimately, Inguillo said it’s often hard for him to meet men because of the closed nature of the LBGT community, but he still has hope.

“I just want the silly, cheesy, romantic things that every sucker wants."